You are an agnostic, or a searcher of truth. You believe that through good or bad luck or random choices you have ended up in the spot you find yourself in.
The most relevant story I can point you to is that of Daniel and Nebuchadnezzar's dream. Here Nebuchadnezzar has to learn the same truth that each of us must learn..that life is not random because God is Sovereign. In the great drama of life it is God who exalts one man and brings another down.
I follow politics and one thing that has always intrigued me is how some of the dullest most benign individuals can reach a high office while other more charismatic candidates go nowhere. It is inexplicable to me. But then, I have not written this drama called life.
Nebuchadnezzar had his dream and Daniel had interpreted it. Nevertheless he goes on his merry way full of confidence and power.
Daniel Chapter 5:
"All this happened to King Nebuchadnezzar. Twelve months later, as the king was walking on the roof of the royal palace of Babylon, he said, "Is not this the great Babylon I have built as the royal residence, by my mighty power and for the glory of my majesty?" The words were still on his lips when a voice came down from heaven, "This is what is decreed for you King Nebuchennezzar; Your royal authority has been taken from you, you will be driven away from the people and will live with the wild animals; you will eat grass like cattle. Seven times will pass by for you until you acknowledge that the Most High is sovereign over the kingdoms of men and gives them to anyone he wishes." Immediately what had been said about Nebuchenezzar was fulfilled. He was driven away from the people and ate grass like the cattle. His body was drenched with the dew of heaven until his hair grew like the feathers of an eagle and his nails like the claws of a bird. At the end of that time, I, Nebuchennezar, raised my eyes toward heaven, and my sanity was restored, then I praised the Most High; I honored and glorified him, who lives forever. ......all the peoples of the earth are regarded as nothing. He does as he pleases with the powers of heaven and the peoples of the earth. No one can hold back his hand or say to him""What have you done?"...because everything he does is right and everyone who walks in pride he is able to humble."
Nebuchadnezzar . believed that he was responsible for his own glory- that through his wise choices he had reached the pinnacle of success, that he was his own god. His proclamation is the kiss of death. When he made his bold pronouncement of his "self actualization" he immediately fell into what seems to me to be some kind of psychotic or schizophrenic period. Compare this to Christ who while equal with God, nevertheless submitted himself to life as a man and was obedient and humble to God the Father, even submitting to cross.
Sanity is defined here. It is the acceptance that God is in total control of the universe and the details of our lives. Insanity is the belief that we shape our own destiny. To become a Christian means first becoming sane- to accept the fact that a loving God is in control and to obtain a foundational peace from this fact. "Because everything he does is right...." Everything!